| 2008-ness |
[Jan. 6th, 2008|10:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
Well, i've managed to avoid my journal for over a year, but i've had a bit of brain burn this morning (can't sleep, thinking, sobbing, feeling sick, the usual), so i thought i'd break the lid and post some crap i just wrote. Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't, but i've got to let it out somehow. Without three posts a night of half a page of self-indulgent shite. Without the specifics of course. Even though those who know the specifics of it all tell me they don't matter, yet another source of confusion :(. Which i guess means "with the specifics not mattering" and "everyone feels pain".
I wouldn't wish logical and emotional paradoxes on anyone
But therein lies the irony;
Had they never experienced those of their own
They wouldn't appreciate the pain they cause oneself.
Each person has their pain; and they deal with it in certain ways.
I wish i could believe that; even the most cheerful-appearing soul also suffers.
They put a brave face on it to help themselves and others.
And because they can doesn't mean i have to.
The paradox of loneliness
Not wanting to be seen or heard unless you are perfect
There was a time it wasn't important
There was a time when i was free
Everyone appears perfect
Everyone appears to be happy
I don't want to appear imperfect
I don't want to burden others with my pain.
(In my paranoia?) I consider they think me unfriendly.
I'll smile when expected; but rarely make eye contact.
Friendly questions seem invasive; and i don't want to invade
The problem with giving or receiving advice; is that it is given by another
Those who do not feel as you feel; it is only logical reasoning shaped by the undercurrent of their feelings.
Why can i be more open with some people than with others?
It's the fear of being known, and disliked.
It's almost like i've got to the point where i'd like to be nothing to no-one.
Everything to everyone seems so shallow.
But that is a wintery path, and i feel consumed by it
These others keep on trying though; these others who have known me other ways.
They know it doesn't matter i am different now
So why can i not believe it and get on?
I'm guessing it's probably only those who (know? knew?) me in what seems like another life who'll be reading this, but suffice it to say i'm alive. I've started smoking again (bad), i'm an uncle (i set up a site with pictures of the young 'un here), ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dark_ixion is still being as understanding as ever, and my younger brother has gone off to Stafford uni.
I have a facebook account; tho there was little point setting it up as i avoid it like the plague. I just don't quite understand at what point fear of direct contact and telephone conversations (especially the latter) transferred over onto IM, Text Messages and eMail :( (In that order of "scariness").
I'm starting my drama therapy soon, and i have some social obligations coming up, so here's hoping i won't balls them up and feel the need to flee (like i did this time last year, and in fact last night - sister in law's surprise 30th birthday party, i sat in the corner reading slashdot and updating my gentoo box from my phone, as i felt like a complete alien :( ). Partly what caused the brain-burn and me to write this post.
So 2008 is coming; got to try and not let it leave me behind like 2007 did. Might just write another post soon. |
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| update |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|10:48 am] |
- Prozac taking too long to kick in, am more paranoid than ever
- Had a good week with dark_ixion (other than the crying fits)
- Have given up the job at the school - too unstable to cope with it
- Moving back to mum's house (soon, by the end of July) so they can keep an eye on me as i'm all over the place at the mo
- Mobile is switched off (see point 1)
- Still a non-smoker
Not a lot else to say really i'm afraid. |
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| oh great |
[May. 26th, 2006|04:47 am] |
I really gotta talk to MIND. Have been signed off work by mum's doctor for two more weeks, and given fluoxetine (prozac) - the other pills were making me want to vom every 20 minutes or so. Still hiding out here, though dark_ixion and I are off to Cornwall with his parents for a week which will be nice - I'm not bringing any technical toys with me, which will hopefully help too. Only good books (no, not the good book, that thing makes me feel too evil!).
Technically there will be a few days while i'm away that i'm not signed off for, but i really couldn't care less about work right now. I gotta focus on fixing myself up a bit. I gotta get me a job where personality is not everything, for i either have none or it is clinging on for dear life (haven't quite worked that one out just yet). This is why all i can see for myself is short term factory work for now. Nobody else seems to understand why i want to do this, but for me it's quite simple :
- I don't have to be this/that/the other person, or feel inadequate / that i'm not ingratiating myself enough with people / putting up with BS politics
- I'll get some strength back in my body
- IT can be a hobby again, and i can start finding things about it fun once more
And if it looks crap on the CV, all i have to say to a prospective employer was that i fancied a change from office work. It's not a life sentence. I've really got to do what wetmonkey and others i've known do with freelance web design - OK, i may suck at the graphical design aspects, but i like things to work well.
Oh and the other promising thing is that it's been since last friday since i smoked anything - i gave up when i was so being so ill that mum came to pick me up last friday (though i keep wanting to smoke), biggest temptation is coming up with being on holiday with Thom's mum - but i'm going to stay strong, i've got to. It's only a small thing i can change, but enough unwinding of small knots like this might help disentangle the whole lot :). I haven't read any of the books this time either.
So in (cautious) celebration, here's my new quit meter:
QuitMeter Counter courtesy of www.quitmeter.com
I remember using that site last time; i should really design and host one myself that can calculate rolling tobacco usage or cater for pipes / cigars or even that nasty snuff stuff. Actually why the hell not? That's a small project that will help my programming skills a teeny bit, plus make me think about maths / stats again. I'll take a simple calculator with me next week, and figue it out. Sod the textbook and laptop - the knowledge has got to be somewhere in my head!
Apologies for ignoring everyone too (more than the usual :( ) lately - even more intense feelings of social inadequacy than typical i'm afraid. Nothing personal to any of you. Just gotta love myself (in a platonic, non-egotistical sense) a bit first. |
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| Doctor, Doctor, Gimme The News... |
[May. 5th, 2006|03:52 am] |
Another sleepless night wednesday night, all sorts of wierd stuff going on in my head. Finally got the guts to go to the doctor, thankfully it wasn't Dr. Davidson this time (maybe it's just my paranoia, but he must have something against me after his refusal to help me in the past) - It was Dr. Claridge, who some people in the waiting room seemed scared of, but who was fine with me...Anyway, i've been prescribed :
- 10mg Citalopram, 1 per day (in the morning)
- 3.75mg Zopiclone, 1 per day (in the evening)
- Two weeks off (with a medical certificate to prove it - hope they don't say anything at work about her handwriting being vague...But WHAT IS THE POINT of fearing stuff like that? That's exactly the kind of behaviour that is destroying me)
And she doesn't think i'm in anyway schizophrenic (at the moment at least), so bye to all those worries i had about it running in the family (Nanna Foulkes having it).
Haven't started the Citalopram yet as it's not morning, and i want the St. John's Wort to remove itself from my system (apparently i shouldn't take that, valerian root or gingko biloba, and i'm guessing some of the more esoteric tea bags are off the menu). Have taken a Zopiclone and feel much calmer, though i spent some of the afternoon sleeping, so am not at that point yet.
It's got to be uphill from here. Hopefully having sessions with MIND soon too. Have got enough money to pay the rent up untill end of July (not much of a margin for other things admittedly), so in the short term it's going to be fine.
About bloody time too. For years i swore i wouldn't go on meds for mental health problems - but at this point i'm desperate enough to need it. Thank you dark_ixion for the extra support of late too. |
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| I don't normally do these, but |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|05:22 am] |
..this time it came from dark_ixion :)
1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my LJ:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you.
My answers to these are buried within his journal here
In other news, my iBook is back again - finally, i have the means to be bothered to do some geeky stuff at home (the whole laziness thing of not wanting to sit at a desk at home has been abaited). Motherboard replacement this time - really annoying as for the last 6 months or so i was keeping it in a case and treating it quite well - i blame the vibration from the engine on the Buses, and the Trains before that). Might write a proper post soon... |
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| Poke the Penguin |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|03:27 pm] |
Sick and tired of:
- Never getting any time to see dark_ixion (It's been over a month now, and next weekend has just potentially been blown out)
- The state of the house (even when i've had some time to try and keep it tidy), not ever seeming to get the time to sort my Room out (even more junk in there now after the weekend)
- Being the only one paying the council tax / tv licence / internet bills (although one is exempt from that as he is still a student, and he's paid me his share of the tv licence and internet bill ).
- People nicking sodding toilet paper from my room because they can't be arsed to buy it themselves (and then of course behaving inconsistently and failing to replace it, meaning i go in there and don't notice until it's too late)
- People thinking that because i'm a bit late somewhere that i've done it just to mess around with their plans (ok, to be fair there have been some days i've been in late to work at the school because i've been waiting up to 45 minutes on Head Street for a 65- they've not minded, and i've just made the time up in the evening - but my last job was like that, plus certain other people still seem to think that way).
- People thinking that because i don't make any plans with them that by default i'm available (had to clear the conservatory for Mum this weekend, as Steve the builder was coming today to assess the damage to the Bricks at the back of the house - most joyful - especially the arguments between Mum and Colin). Plus it's Sarah's birthday party this Saturday (Again, to be fair i could just not go, and go see dark_ixion instead - pretty sure she'd be find and not give me loads of shit over it :p ).
- Not knowing exactly where i stand or what the rules are in my job, to the point where i'm not sure if i've 'done the right thing' or not.
etc, etc....I'm going back to bed...I really cannot be bothered with doing anything today, and i still haven't got over the flu properly. |
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| It's started already... |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|06:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Soulwax - Much against everyone's advice | ] |
Well i'm knackered, i stink, i can't shower (no hot water), i'm pissed off with a certain person's arrogant attitude (i spent all morning booting linux to check the PCI id's of a wi-fi card on a laptop, searching for it on the net, finding out that it's an Atheros 5211, specifically an IBM model from a thinkpad t40/t41). Ok, then he finds it on the RM site in seconds (i looked at the end of the day - you have to click on the picture because the model number that's on the case is the one of the original manufacturer's) and then tells me 'that's why he's paid more than me'. You don't have to say things like that at all, and if anyone said that to anyone else in any other company they would be immediately despised. He so better not get the manager Job - especially after trying to convince me you could view the PCI id's in the device manager (it's only visible in the registry you dipshit - off the top of my head it's hklm \ hardware \ enum, though i bet they've changed that).
And what's worse i can't shared bitch with wetmonkey without him getting really mad. And when i pick a common frame of reference in conversation it's work (until i've switched off - i've not managed it yet this evening). It seems like only when walking back in from break is a good time to talk really....And what really sucks is i'm never really sure when IS ok. It's kind of like working with Jim, yet not (we used to wind each other up, yet we would conspire a lot more out of work to prove ourselves - mind you we did work a lot more closely together, and QA was treated very very badly at that place). Just wish the one good day that both of us seem to get per week clashed (well i guess it did the other day actually). When i've not got my mind on the Job we get on really well. I kind of hoped i'd be cheering him up by 'going through it with him' (hah!), but all i seem to be doing is winding him up, and get the feeling i'm going to end up equated and treated the same way as that other person who pissed me off today.
Everyone in the IT department seems under so much pressure (there are two supporting the entire network - a constant firefighting situation basically) that they ARE having these little internal wars like this - it's almost like earthport in that regard (once the w***ers had taken over, and certain people with weasel tendencies turned full weasel) - yet there is a huge audience to appreciate what you are doing too, paradoxically. I dunno, i could get used to it. Let's face it, i don't really have another option, and i do need to improve my people skills and learn to cope with stress better. I really need to get the chance to do some good development work though. I'd like to think that what i'm doing there is important and useful, but yet it's so frustrating that everyone seems to be so busy (like today when i tried to find Mike to show him the KS2 results i've got selected from the table and on the page. I need to have a good long period developing ALL of that). And i haven't done anything to sort out the Targeter database yet (grrr).
Well seeing as i've posted here twice in one week it would seem that LJ is back in my life, and ripe for bitching on. I'm going to answer some emails. Maybe. Except i probably won't and everyone will just think i'm being rude. If Landlord tries to put a flea in my ear about the Council Tax / Smoking / Mess, He gets a nit in his about :
The Carpet in the bathroom that smells of Mould
The fact that it's so cold in the house
The fact that the hot water is off
The fact that there are mice in the kitchen and always have been
I really am far, far too knackered to do anything about the house today, i need to get an early nite (the chance to have a shower would have been nice), in fact i don't mind so much if i don't just as long as i can relax. Oh and a final thought - if i can cope with my landlord being loud and urgent in a situation where i so cannot smoke i can give up i guess...let's see...Hopefully monkeyboy will be here and we can escape somewhere. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|11:37 pm] |
Well, i have ten minutes spare, on my way back from Chelmsford (been for Curry night), so i thought i'd write something :
Job :
Generally OK. Usual caveats apply regarding my insecurity not having anything to say, and feeling like i'm not ingratiating myself enough with everybody there. Not spending enough time working with IS as i would like (mixed blessing, as that requires a lot of running around), because i keep having to firefight problems with the crappy access database (It's report week), whilst trying to find time to :
- Learn more ASP and expand more on the little demo browse student details page i made them
- Reverse engineer the existing db schema and write some clever queries / stored procedures / views (mucho SQL server specific stuff to learn...shouldn't be too hard though)
- Import Keystage 2, 3, Cat 7 and 9 results from the DFES
- Write some funky pages to show results
- Try and do as much work with IS as possible (technically it's supposed to be two and a half days a week, though it's slipped this week because of reports) so i stay 'in the loop' (always good when you can fix something)
This is the kind of thing i can only get done when i'm alert in the morning and there's nothing else going on really... Plus the kids make so much racket between lessons or if there are things going on in the library... Don't i sound old? Talking about bus passes and noisy kids...More sleep and eating in the mornings plus eating better generally would help methinks.
It's OK because of course they are not expecting miracles overnight, and they are pretty happy with what i've done for them so far, but i would like a long stretch of good development - the only time i've really done that is at evenings and weekends - thanks and of course hugs and kisses to dark_ixion for all the help with SQL Server, and a banana to wetmonkey for the help with ASP, ghosting, soldering and the usual :). Even though the last job ultimately ended badly (not officially for me, but i was sick of it especially after what happened to Crypt).
I keep getting in late because the buses are so crap (whereas before Christmas it was the 64/66 that was bad, now it seems to be the 65). To be fair though i have been staying quite late a couple of nites in return....Though i can't if i've got something planned though (d'oh!). It sucks because there have been days when i have made the effort to be be at the stop for 7:40, and i've still not got in until after 9 (late from head street then last of the rush hour around Severalls basically). I must seriously look at some 'first' alternatives to the 65....Trouble is, i don't really know Highwoods/Severalls/Mile End/St. Johns well at all which doesn't help.
wetmonkey helped me with an interesting side task on Monday - soldering headphone sockets into the drive bays of all the learning support PC's. He's had an idea and prototype for a networked scanner machine ready for some time now, and they've finally given it the go ahead. I don't mind doing the monkey work for his idea in return, plus i'll get to learn a bit about SANE and actually get to muck around with Linux at work.
Home :
Messy and therefore a bit stressy. Never seem to have any bloody time there to get it sorted out - have been away every weekend for as long as i can remember, and when i do get an evening on my own i'm just relaxing and recuperating. I did do some washing and washing the other night so have enough shirts and the kitchen Apparently landlord visited while i was out / away for the weekend (as one of my house mates managed to lock him self out of the room, and is 'unhappy with the condition' of the house, and this really pisses me off because we spent a lot of time over Christmas cleaning the kitchen moving the lounge furniture around, hoovering etc. Apparently he was bitching about the Leaves in the drain again. Well get a drain cover then you moron.
And anyway he has a responsibility for the upkeep for the house - it's in the Contract. We are not in a position to afford property of our own (ever at this rate!) and so we don't think about (it's his responsibility as the Landlord). And the carpet in the bathroom smells of mould and has done ever since we moved in. And there are mice in the kitchen (i caught one last night). Dunno what's happened in his personal life, but it's making me want to dismiss him as somewhat of a jerk. I can't otherwise imagine how i offended him, other than smoking (out the back of course) and paying the council tax a bit late so that he got a warning letter (which i might add was around all this bad stuff was happening with Crypt and the old job).
Server cupboard is wired in - alpha is running openbsd and serving - which reminds me, i can actually host images on here now :) Hopefully soon i can get whale in a suitable state to be put in- need to do lots of shifting of data from A to B. Ta to wetmonkey and Tony for all the help wiring everything in - it's purring along rather well. Shame i probably be ripping it all out in August i guess (hopefully not though).
Friends:
Well Crypt is no longer going to Ireland - he was told he wasn't getting the job at the last minute, and now everyone has to move out of Layer Road. Not that i've heard that from him mind, i found via the usual route ;). But the latest is that he is going to stay in the house (or the three of them might live together somewhere else - probably not though, their contract says they have to pay the rent until someone moves in if they break it early), so there might be a possibility for idiosynchrony. to move in with them after all. I really hope they do get the chance to stay there, it is a really nice house. Of course wetmonkey would probably just take this to be a non-or-deliberately confusing answer though i guess :P
Tony and everyone from bassknights.com (well, almost everyone) came over to the New Years Party at layer road and did a DJ set - i thought i wasn't going to like much of it Both the Ms B's are fine and well, i installed 10.4.4 on Deby's sawtooth tonite (before trying it out on one of mine mwahahaha - actually, thinking about it a bit stupid - i wouldn't have had much time to fix it had it gone the way it did last time - but then what do you expect if you pull out a USB device whilst doing a software update?). I haven't seen any one in Wivenhoe, specifically Harvey Road for quite some time now, but be warned i have a bus pass now (hmmm....i guess maybe just perhaps regular trips).Sorry monkeyboy :(. But as usual, i'm guessing i'll pull the standard excuse. But at least i'll try a period of non-smoking this year again (i'm rapidly approaching thirty so i need to give it the heave ho once and for all, and be convinced i don't need it and that it is poision).
Damn, i didn't write in my blog except to bitch again. |
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| It's like buses... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|04:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tony & Kevs mix that Dug recorded @ Martin's New Years party | ] |
Too much stuff been going on to write it all down. But i filled in a survey on the First Bus website, and there was a box enitiled "finally, do you have any comments for our CEO?", so i couldn't resist letting rip:
---
Provide accurate timetabling, and a clause stating that the times of services may vary during rush hour. This timetabling can be based on real world feedback from the drivers / the audit logs from their ticket machines, taken from the average of a month's worth of sample journeys in the morning / afternoon / evening on each route. The way the timetable is organized now seems like the assumption is made that each journey will take the same length of time, regardless of the time of day (and hence the amount of traffic being caused by other road users).
Also provide the means for passengers to check the firstbus website for delays or more importantly, cancellations to services. For instance, if i knew the service into town was going to be cancelled, i could just walk straight into town and get the 65, instead of waiting around for a bus that will never come, causing me the lateness AND the walk on top of that). There could be a form on the website (keyed to every bus route) for an authorized official at every central bus garage to enter delay / cancelllation information, and a link / button on every timetable page to allow passenegers to view this information. I would be happy to check the website before leaving the house as part of my daily routine.
My journey to work every day is advertised as being half an hour in total (10 minutes into town on the 64/66/66A, 20 minutes to my work place on the 65), yet normally takes over an hour (the 65 runs very reliably, but i have been waiting over half an hour for a 64 or 66 into town before - this is epsecially bad for the 64, for which the published frequency before 9am is every 10 minutes).
Also, if he or she could stop driving to work, and start taking the bus instead, he or she would be in a far, far better position to understand how well his or her company actually performs, and why things are the way that they are. In the position that he or she has, he or she has a responsibility to society to keep his or her word.
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Oh, and happy new year to anyone who i haven't said it to already. Which was less people than last year :(. Back to work Wednesday... |
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| I can't get no sleep |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|01:59 am] |
again! This time i've been thinking back and thinking forward. About work of course *sigh*.
This week should hopefully see the following (at work):
- I get the letter accepting my job (and the mass of associated forms) sent off to the Gilberd school
- Mark getting arrested for assaulting Martin (after having that happen to me in London i am determined that this kind of thing should never happen again!). Just because you are a CEO, doesn't mean you can physically harm the people contracted to you because you blame them for your own incompetence
- The new guy whom Trevor and I interviewed a few weeks ago starting on Thursday - lots of documentation (mostly process, i can tell he'll have no problem with the code or ops stuff) still left to do
- Training said noob - i might voice record some of this (and get it verified by a 3rd party!), just to see how i sound seeing as i'm still not very confident with the business of opening my trap
And at home:
- I figure what's going on with the serial port on the alpha / my gentoo box (why, why, why do i have only one machine these days with RS232!) and start installing BSD on it
- Take the time to do a safe (moduleless - in particular i blame usb hotplug and agpgart) boot on the gentoo box and do an
emerge --update world
- Tidy my room and clean the bathroom before friday (when dark_ixion comes)
- Try and get some piece of crap or other running windows so i have something to learn SQL server against - unless any of you beautiful people know how to get it running on wine - 2000 is what they are running, so that'll do
- (Assuming i get the alpha working) make a new vlan on the primary router, give it an IP in a new range, add it to the routing table (hmm - not too sure about this - seems dodgy) and put some forwards in plus think about some rules. I want a DMZ dammit. Actually, maybe i should put the housemates windows machines in a DMZ of their own (hmmm).
- Write some script or other that logs when my external IP adress changes to see whether hosting is viable
- (If there's any time left!) Draft a formal spec for my Cedega compatability database-cum-wiki - I know i should really write it as an enterprise Java app to give me the skills, but i'm confident in php (yeah, someone actually hired me to do some PROGRAMMING, gasp!), and it would be helpful to learn php classes and how certain standard libraries work (e.g. session tracking - the in-house code for this on the work system sucks!).
I should be sleeping. Or at least re-writing that sodding agent report to make tomorrow easier. I'm going to watch some sci-fi i think. No more Mario Kart, else i definitely won't sleep! Just wishing there was a bit of a gap between jobs - but even if there was, i know it would probably take me at least half a week to go from "this feels too much like work" to "isn't this a great opportunity to design and configure myself a decent, secure, network infrastructure" ! Wish i had all these toys when i was a student, and i had some time / more of the knowledge was fresh in my mind. Oh well. In theory, i should have a wodge of time off over xmas - and i should be here for some of it too. |
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| This is serious get me a quarter, i was a witness get me a reporter... |
[Nov. 24th, 2005|02:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Andrew WK - Long Live The Party | ] |
OK this is getting freaky:
- Yesterday at Deby's, we were eating yoghurt after curry right during the scene from the new Little Britain series where Bubbles gets Munch-Bunch yoghurt poured overx her head from her competition. Our yoghurt wasn't munch bunch, but it was still made by the fash, and the timing was amazing.
- I was having a conversation with Deby and Sarah about the Barenaked Ladies last nite (they are both big fans, we listened to some of their christmas album), and one of the first things i read on slashdot today was that the aformentioned band are releasing their next album exclusively on a (re-usable - perhaps this is the first release you can "wipe over" since the humble audio cassette? minidiscs don't count cos pre-recorded ones are optical only) USB drive.
- Today i went to Chelmsford Police Station after work (long story for those who don't already know), and Chelmsford Police Station was on Look East (which i wouldn't normally watch, just that i was late home, made dinner and thought i should watch the news to catch up)
- Despite having worked in Chelmsford for almost 7 months now, i've been down Moulsham Street a grand total of 2 times. One was ages ago when Greg took me for lunch (back when it was all new), and the other was today as i went wandering to look for inspiration for xmas presents. The same news article featuring the cop shop also showed Moulsham Street. What kind of word is Moulsham anyway? Does it even exist outside of Chelmsford? (too late to start another google)
OK i'm reading too much into it i know (bad habit of mine). Maybe this kind of thing happens all the time, for whatever reason i noticed it more today.
I've been meaning to write something profound describing my life situation on here but have been putting it off. So it's ramblings as usual then ;). All i can be bothered to write on the 'life' front is that the offer letter from the school STILL hasn't turned up. I must phone them tomorrow.
This friday is also Mariokart DS day. My plan is :
Tomorrow : Go into GAME and check it's still on pre-order. Ask them if they have a wireless hotspot, and what time they open friday morning. If time, go to some of the BT Openzone and Opencloud hotspots and ask if they are active / will be friday morning (fave is looking to be the fleece opposite the Cathedral - i know where it is, plus it seems the closest to work)
Friday - Get up SUPER early to be in Chelmsford BEFORE 9. Go queue outside GAME with all the other sheep (baaaah - it's gonna be blatantly obvious what they are there for so i might even attempt to start a conversation with some of them - assuming of course i'm not the only sad one). Purchase said item, and open it in the shop, else leg it to the fleece / other and do so there. Don't go into work before 10 (can get away with it these days, but i still need that bloody letter for the peace of mind!) having hopefully submerged in a cartoon speed frenzy (no, not bugs bunny on amphetamines - or worse still, Taz)
Actually thinking about it the Fleece is a pub. Crap. Tho it's perfectly possible to stand real close by the back - but it will be freezing i should imagine. Oh well. Shall see what i can find tomorrow. Hope i don't have . There's always the office assuming i can find the txt file with the wep key on - and the rumours i read online about an onscreen keypad to allow wep key entry are true)
I guess i'm just as much a sucker for commercialism as everyone else! So assuming all goes to plan i should have dark_ixion, lego star wars AND mario kart DS for company this weekend.
And i already know right now that i'm gonna choose Yoshi for my (at least, first) character :) - kind of teed off i'm now playing as Mario in Mario 64 DS, and the levels have got harder actually... |
|
|
| router-tastic |
[Sep. 10th, 2005|05:48 pm] |
Invited wetmonkey over last nite, and we were experimenting withOpenWRT. It took a while to get it sussed (using atftp instead of netkit tftp to do the bootstrap, plugging into a hub instead of using a cable to ensure the interface always recognizes a connection if the other interface goes off, accidently flashing the wrong router *grin*, not being able to find the timezone variable for UK even though it was on the page *blush* etc.)
Basically, i now have a fully functional linux system (like the good ol' LRP system, but with a writable fs) running at 9v DC forwarding to rbsfou.gotdns.org which is running in my bedroom. I can turn my server off, and still have friendly internal DNS and other services running (within the 4mb available for the FS).
Getting WPA working was interesting, as it relies on a proprietary binary (nas) from linksys to do the WPA stuff, but this is available in the 'non-free' packages list. Also i had to tweak the start script for it, as it wasn't finding the info from the correct nvram env variables in some cases.
Ditto for the port forwarding - but some forum hints have helped on that front.
There are tonnes of packages available (have a look here), and every one i have downloaded so far has worked fine (if not done exactly what i want). The only complaint i have is as you add more sources to ipkg it bloats up it's list of available package, but i guess i can remove them when i'm happy.
dnsmasq is included, but it's a bit annoying (such as when you tell it to listen to a particular address or interface it actually doesn't, it just listens to all and ignores what you specify), so i'm going to try djbdns or bind if i'm feeling brave. Which means if i dump dnsmasq i'm going to have to install another dhcp server.
Basically, what i want to end up with is:
* Auto DynDNS updating (is working fine with inadyn and a start script to bg it)
* An Internal DNS zone running on br0 (bind? djbdns?)
* Option for external DNS (if i ever get clever enough)
* Fixed internal DHCP records
* Auto-Time updating from a public ntp server (thank you wetmonkey for recommending this one to me)
* SSH only on the internal interface (br0) - how it is setup by default, nice...
* Multicast DNS / SLP to announce the ssh and web to the internal network
* A VPN between mum's house and here (deploy one of these in her house)
I could also get it to send mail, and do all the syslogging to the server too...
Ah well. First things first. Currently we have installed :
root@OpenWrt:~# ipkg list_installed
bridge - 1.0.6-1 - Ethernet bridging tools
busybox - 1.00-2 - Core utilities for embedded Linux systems
dnsmasq - 2.22-1 - A lightweight DNS and DHCP server
dropbear - 0.45-3 - a small SSH 2 server/client designed for small memory environments.
- A nice dyndns client (also works behind a NAT router)
interface-wrt - 0.72 - web interface for OpenWrt, providing basic network, services, and package configuration.
ipkg - 0.99.149-1 - lightweight package management system
iptables - 1.3.1-1 - The netfilter firewalling software for IPv4
kernel - 2.4.30-brcm-2 -
kmod-brcm-et - 2.4.30-brcm-2 - Proprietary driver for Broadcom Ethernet chipsets
kmod-brcm-wl - 2.4.30-brcm-2 - Proprietary driver for Broadcom Wireless chipsets
kmod-diag - 2.4.30-brcm-2 - Driver for Router LEDs and Buttons
kmod-wlcompat - 2.4.30-brcm-2 - Compatibility module for using the Wireless Extension with broadcom's wl
libpcap - 0.8.3-1 - a low-level packet capture library
libpthread - 0.9.27-1 - POSIX threads library
nas - 3.90.37-7 - Proprietary Broadcom WPA Authenticator/Supplicant
openwrt-utils - 2 - Basic OpenWrt utilities
tcpdump - 3.8.3-1 - A tool for network monitoring and data acquisition.
wificonf - 2 - Replacement utility for wlconf
wireless-tools - 28.pre7-1 - Tools for setting up WiFi cards using the Wireless Extension
wl - 3.90.37-1 - Proprietary Broadcom utility for setting wireless driver parameters
zlib - 1.2.2-2 - an implementation of the deflate compression method (library)
Successfully terminated.
(I removed the ppp / pppoe stuff to get space - but it does mean it can be used with a dumb ADSL modem which uses ppp over ethernet to connect to it, had i not just signed the next 12 months of my life away to ntl!)
Disk space is :
Filesystem Size Used Available Use% Mounted on
/dev/root 3.2M 2.4M 848.0k 74% /
none 7.0M 36.0k 7.0M 1% /tmp
So is gonna be interesting squeezing it all in....
Before i tweak anything else though, next task is to flash another to OpenWRT, and set this up as a B-only access point (should disable B on the first one too).
On this one, i will attempt to remove vlan1 / vlan0, and bring them all into a bridge (so it's just an access point, with 5 ports). Mega. By the end of this i'm not going to even need my 100meg switch as i will have that many free ports!
Have attempted to allocate Wi-Fi channels sensibly too (only wifi broadcasting nearby which could interfere is the neighbour's wanadoo on channel 1, so picked 7 and 13) in response to this page. Hopefully no-one will have a cordless phone lying around!
Let the fun begin....I should eat first though. |
|
|
| big whoops. need sleep. |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|12:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | itunes not on big speakers now :( | ] |
I remember Sid doing this years ago with an AGP graphics card, and i too now feel the pain :
Hi,
I have (had?) a rather nice Quicksilver 2002 macintosh that was working very well until the latest tweaking session. I had just successfully installed a new hard drive, all normal precautions were taken except for length of cables, and when i tried to swing the side panel down to add a card, my external firewire drive came crashing down, which in turn knocked two components clean off the motherboard (well, one is still semi-attached)
On attempted power up, the button lights up, then dims straight away.
The damage is relatively superficial, none of the 'really tiny' surface mount resistors / capacitors seem to have been affected, just two components near the PRAM battery (between the PRAM reset switch and the edge of the motherboard).
The motherboard is model no. 820-1342-B from apple in 2001.
The longer silvery component (looks like a transistor,but only has two legs) has the following printed on it:
"D100C2I
s0154"
This component had a plastic seat under it isolating its (metal) shell from the motherboard. One leg has snapped off this component and is still attached to the solder pad (so you can even see which way round it goes!).
The other component has taken a bit of a knock and looks like it could use a re-solder / replacement, but is otherwise attached. It looks like a small dual in-line IC, and bears the marking 'D32.7A2'. Two of the legs seem to have become unsoldered / detached by the impact.
It looks like a reasonably trivial exercise, but i'm not very good at soldering, plus have nowhere to find/source replacement components from should they be needed, so i think this is a job for pros like yourselves.
How much would the cost of repair plus the UPS courier (from Colchester or Chelmsford in Essex) for the machine be? Would you want me to send the (one) detached component / plastic seat for your reference / analysis?
Also, i don't know if you would have such a thing lying about, but could i order a USB2.0 card compatible with the mac to go with this repair? It was partly due to some cheapo non-working piece of generic via crap from maplin that was responsible for this occurring! Bonus points if it works in OS9 / LinuxPPC.
I eagerly await your reply
Richard Foulkes
Still, maybe they might blow some of the dust out of the fans, so that's something i guess! |
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| Reuben - Scared Of The Police |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|02:10 pm] |
Thanks to dark_ixion for introducing me to this song:
I'm scared of the police
I'm scared of the violence
I'm scared of handcuffs
And truncheons
I'm just too scared
So pack your bags
We're going home
This place has started to stink
I've been standing around
For far too long
And my feet have started to sink in
And I'm scared of becoming
A statue, a monolith
And not changing, ever
It's not healthy, and I'm just
Scared of it
And I'm scared of your anger
And I don't know what causes it
And you know that it hurts me
But I like you
The appropriate bit is the first three lines of the last verse. Perhaps i should phone someone up and screech at them without seeking an explanation first.
Heh - i can think of a good target ('Where's my P45?"). I'm not assertive enough though :(. I think some people definitely overcompensate for that though - would be damn handy sometimes if i could *sigh*.
I'm going to stop posting now and actually do some work. Forgot to check for a null string in the table for the filename of the attachement, so i always get base-64'd nothingness (whooooops), even if no file was supposed to be attached... |
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| I obviously know **nothing** about unix.... |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
...because i didn't know that the permissions on JSP pages have to be executable by the user who the JVM running tomcat is run as.
What a Jerk. Not that he knows what /proc is, how to load/unload kernel modules, setting up masquerading, configuring (static) routing tables, configuring apache, what /sbin/init, inittab, and the runlevel directories are for (something i showed someone who's pet name is a popular washing powder how to do whilst working there before), need i go on?
And weasel number 2 (who i actually feel kind of sorry for at the moment) thinks that if the mysql interpreter is not running on a machine (bad exe on win32) that you have to copy all the data files over to another machine, make the change, then copy it all back. Forgetting of course doing mysql -h on another machine (after using mysqladmin to change the grant tables).
Sorry, i know i'm bitching - That's the kind of shit that weasels who only care say in front of management to make you look bad, denigrate your position whilst attempting to elevate their own.
No respect is what they showed me. I'd laugh if i ever had to interview these two (yes it's starting to look that way *grin*), or even some others, some possible interview questions would be :
"Have you ever in the face of overwhelming legitimate evidence disregarded a user concern or issue?"
"Have you ever withheld important information that others need to do their jobs?"
"Have you ever refused someone who obviously shows skill in a particular area to work in that area?"
"Have you ever felt so insecure about being shown up as a fraud that you will bully someone into not seeking the information you should have given them in the first place to be able to effectively do their job directly from the source?"
("I know you are friends with some of these developers, but we don't want you talking to them")
"Have you ever attempted to gain favour in the eyes of management by berating someone else's technical skills, based on the fact you have a better job title than them?"
I know, i know, going over this stuff over and over again isn't good for you, but it's far too easy. I guess they achieved what they were after all *sigh*.
I should be writing code, not sitting here bitching. Now that i CAN of course (*grin*).
Edinburgh comedy fest was gooood. I guess i'm just a bit bummed out because i'm back...But it's part of life. |
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| No SCSI Tape Support in OSX |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|10:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | dunno why but i keep putting "Buffalo Stance" on my iPod. | ] |
....lamewads! Linux can do it, so can BSD, why not darwin?
And Retrospect doesn't like my DDS2 drive. At leaast not on the Adaptec card from the B&W G3 i've got in my (currently) 800mhz quicksilver.
Boo Hiss. There goes my idea of dumping x86 architecture on my working machines (unless i get a cheap box for PPC Linux - G4 mobos and processors on ebay...hmmm.... ;) ).
Maybe i should write a kext. Along with that non-existant iTunes plugin to make it act as a shoutcast server (too lazy to walk over tother side of the office).
Why do i feel the need to have my main box boot into OS9? I mean, it's not as if i use it ever (my iBook doesn't boot into 10.2, let alone 9, thanks apple for the choice!). Maybe I should just forget it and save up for a cheesegrater G5. Best do that before they go Intel (all signs point away from xscale and towards x86, grrrrr).
Anyway, enough of that carp, WOMAD was most interesting and informative (Did you know Nigeria executes enivornmental campaigners? Or that china flat out disallows trade unions?). Didn't see much music apart from some interesting african drumming and some french brass-heavy ska, but was cool nontheless. We are SO camping there next year dark_ixion whether you like it or not ;)
Been doing sendmail and DNS config at work (easy peasy, a curse on those who make it out to be complicated and talk down to you *not mentioning any names*...), lots more PHP bits that need fixing. Job Satisfaction still relatively good, joy (won't be after live date mind when the support calls come in).
Maybe when they hire a techy to back me up in support i should patronize them at every available oppurtunity, pour scorn on their suggestions, make out that they don't know what they are doing in front of management, refuse them any chance of furthering themselves, and ridicule their issue reports and concerns even in the face of evidence, and refuse them the information they need to 100% do their job so that they start going insane. Or maybe NOT. Why couldn't i have worked with a bunch of martins before?
Kind of scary, but i was quite fired up this morning - was tempted to take a detour via liverpool street to the land of the weasels and politely insist they give me my P45, but i chickened out. Maybe i should just hassle them non-stop with phone calls instead :).
And it's the edingbugger fringe this week too. Yayness!
Rich |
|
|
| feeling blogtastic |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|10:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | been listeing to damien rice and war of the worlds lots..... | ] |
Ok. It's been aages. But i have been busy - honest! And yes, i've not been phoning people because of the shyness thing. But at least it's not depression anymore. I had a bit of a bum moment today, but that's probably just because i was tired more than anything else (sorry dark_ixion for keeping you awake!)
I'm in a wierd mood because i've been (albeit pathetically, as it is full to bursting point!) cleaning up my(?) room. I found some old scribblings i made after Ross left me, the letters from MIND, the old earthport papers (yes EARTHPORT EARTHPORT EARTHPORT EARTHPORT so sue me you bastards - there's plenty of us who could put together a big countersuit), and i feel so totally different this summer to last. The money is not really an issue, the quality of life is. And i feel empowered to change things for the better in my job - for instance today Martin and I set up the CVS server, and i can make improvements to the code without having some snotty nosed little shit with a first in computer science (who whilst being very good with code knows next to nothing about sysadmin/networks/general kit-type stuff) out-weasel and argue against me in the face of legitimate issues (to think i tried to get the little shit an interview too - i doubt he would do the same for me if the tables were turned).
There really is no point in being bitter though. Or trying to impress people. I've seen what that kind of shit does to people. What's the point. Although i have bought a new mac type toy for instance there's no point rubbing it in anyone's face. They will listen if they want to.
I'm very tempted - if you still read this sauron19 and the others - to have a ceremonial burning of some material actually. I had some semi-daft ideas of editing together a clip of me holding a burning EPO cap, and fading that into the bit from Labyrinth where the girl tells David Bowie's character "You have no power over me" and mailing it certain places - perhaps i've been playing with iMovie too much! That place was not letting me grow or develop, it was stifling me, and the frustration was building towards insanity (yes be scared humans, don't talk to me, i might try and eat your spleen mwahahahaha - sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit, but that's probably one higher than i could do this time a year ago).
London is full of backstabbing weasels. When i DO go back there (lets face it, i got very lucky with this job, and there's no chance of getting anything else in Essex when i have to get another one) at least i'll have some experience, and they will have to listen and respect me in such a basic way (that you get in most companies apparently) that hopefully this won't happen again.
I probably WILL be that guy who sits in the corner and doesn't say an awful lot from here on in. But there's no reason to get insecure or depressed about it :) It might be a kind of bleak view to have that happiness is the lack of depression (actually that's very over simplified, but that's the best i can articulate right now...or ever given my rapidly declining english skills!). For instance i'm a bit to cautious to set the mood of this post higher than 'Chipper', but i don't think that's a bad thing neccesarily.
Oh well. I'll probably get down as winter sets in, but i don't think i could ever get as low as i have been again....touch wood! No one ever gets it right, but at least i'm not out and out wrong this time. I'll dust the stuff i wrote when leaving Colchester and going to Glastonbury and post it on here sometime (as long as i can tear myself away from code / test scripts on the bus!)
The worst side of me wants to get the last laugh in because i am no longer a financial risk or mental health contaminant in certain quarters, but again what's the point. That is very pathetic.com...but we are only human after all (except for George Bush and the rest of the current US Administration of course!), and by god it's tempting...
I'll make programmer / network admin yet - i've got a good chance to shine at last :)
Rich xx
(Just thought - another unanswered question - who DID report the existence of my livejournal to Dunc? They must have known at the time it would make me paranoid based on the way i was / still a bit am - therefore i can only conclude it was a malicious act....*ponders*) |
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| more grey hairs |
[May. 29th, 2005|12:55 pm] |
I had an extra long post i was going to put in here about last weekend (which was my and dark_ixion's anniversary) but all i want to do is SCREAM!!!!!
My older brother dave has caused me a lot of problems this weekend, not only did he turn up a day early with the van (which was a POS anyway - it overheated on the A12) but he gave me next to no time to do everything (what if boss had been in work on friday?), stressed the hell out of me whilst he was there (he turned up later than he should and proceeded to do sweet FA except order me around), has screwed the washing machine up as well as put me in a very difficult position with a certain person.
Poor wetmonkey came round expecting a nice chilled evening of stuff and ended up carrying loads of stuff to the van, which is really crap considering he's been off work for the last two months with a back injury.
I'll finish off the other blog entry on the bus. If i'm not too pre-occupied with work stuff that is (damn cheek of him saying i earn more than him when i haven't been paid for 5 months this year and i want to work my socks off to impress the current lot despite everything else going on). And i've been ill a couple of days this week too.
Hope difficult position should ease up a bit soon. It's crap that Mum had to get involved when this was supposed to be her weekend away in Newport with Auntie Geraldine. Both Colin and Matt are furious too. I can understand more than ever now why neither of them want to work with him.
And i just want this whole sorry episode to be over with. I'm even more determined than ever not to get stuck in stanford now. I have to make a phone call to Colin. |
|
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| oh smeg indeed matey |
[May. 1st, 2005|09:20 pm] |
First of all, if anyone's sent me email i can't reply. Well i can, but not till tuesday, read on to find out why!
It's like Buses. I swear.
The hard disk on my iBook decided to give out on me yesterday - it's now making horrible grinding noises when the machine is switched on. Last backup i took of the home directory was 2 weeks ago, so yesterday i thought i had lost all my recent stuff. It's not as if i've treated this one badly - i've been storing in a plastic bag, wiping the keyboard regularly etc.
I did manage to boot the thing in single user mode, however on doing 'fsck -yf' all i got was 'IOAtaController : Device Blocking Bus' - seems like the drive had locked the bus either through the fsck or trying to repair itself - S.M.A.R.T?.
If wetmonkey was there, i know he would have made an amusing crack about it's because i've only got one mouse button... :)
I eventually managed to figure out how to mount my iPod doing something like :
# mount_msdos /dev/rdisk2s2 /private/tmp
(loads the .kext for vfat then bitched about it not being a valid block device), then:
# mount_msdos /dev/disk2s2 /private/tmp
(for some reason trying to mount the correct device just hung until i ctrl-c'd - this way round it works. It seems like it's got some magic dynamic device file allocation thing - in fact typing 'mount' actually shows up the fstype for /dev as 'devfs').
After using both fdisk and pdisk to verify it was there of course ;) (fdisk in this case as it has a PC-MBR as opposed to an apple disk label - though i'm considering changing this as it could be a nice recovery tool - when this happens again. Cos it will. Cos apple's build quality doesn't quite match up with my usage).
And a long session of cp and tar to salvage as much from my home dir as possible. I've done the critical library directories, Pictures and Documents.
I don't know how to get the ethernet interface up though - annoying as i a) don't have the iPod USB cable and b) don't have a machine here with 2000 or XP here. So i can't verify my backups. Until tuesday.
It's damn hard to fix a mac without a mac around...Kind of reminds me of the time it died on me last time and i badly needed to get some files out of a disk images (i know, i should have tarred) and the G3's OSX install had eaten itself a couple days earlier...It was all my fault and of course i didn't expect the tiniest bit of help from any one, because it's a dog-eat-dog world. Or the time i badly needed to print of a letter to the Student Loans people and ....
Whatever. I know someone like Sid would have helped me out in that situation (and had indeed several times before). And i'm not going down that road...
So tuesday will see much fecking about. I have to :
1. Swap disks in the G3 and do a fresh 10.3.4 install (plus add the iApps from the iBook CD)
2. Do all updates (to 10.3.9)
3. Move the Library stuff back into the 'rbsfou' user on this install
4. Cross fingers and hope the iPhoto library and email archive are undamaged (the commandline 'stuff' didn't seem to want to run, possibly because i am missing some bylibs on my path, but that's a guess), so hope there's nothing critical that needs resource forks (have a nasty feeling ical isn't going to be happy about that based on what happened before)
5. Have the thing dangling via vnc as a remotely accessible advanced ibook substitute until i can get the iBook fixed under applecare (and once again i run into a whole heap of shite about where they pick it up from and return it to argh!)
After getting back to colchestershire. After going into 'new work' (see below) in Chelmsford. If the files are indeed mangled (although i picked a few and md5sum'd them, the fact it was going so slowly implies it was doing the job) for some reason i boot the yellow dog recovery system and try that.
I've also had a really mad couple of days, i've got a job, but there's a whole can of worms on that front. Don't want to say anything else here, as i know that certain individuals in the past have tried to undermine me by reporting this shite elsewhere. Put it this way i'm torn on that front. A lot less money and a lot more stress and less professionalism but more job satisfaction vs. you know what. I'm going to concede to one of you know who's points about cowboys, empire builders and stuff at this point too. Doesn't look good that the iBook died either. but i'm a whole lot less of a cowboy, so not too worried.
Didn't see dark_ixion this weekend cos of his labyrinthitis. But it's a nice kick up the jacksy. The coming weekend mum is coming up to help bring some stuff back and should hopefuly be able to get some stuff disposed of at the colchester tip (noooo!). Later on in the month dave will come up in a van for the majority of it.
And tomorrow i clear the loft. Did a good job over the last couple of days doing the consevatory to make room for my incoming shite (must remember to fit as longer extension lead for the washing machine).
And whatever happens, there is NO WAY IN HELL ANYTHING IS STOPPING ME GOING TO SEE MIND ON MONDAY 9th APRIL! Or going to Portmerion.
Grrrr! It's all a big oppurtunity i guess.
Rich |
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| Some bridges can be crossed... |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|09:09 pm] |
Tomorrow i build them from scratch as opposed to some badly needed upkeep. Scary.
But i must do it. |
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